In as much as this is Thanksgiving week I am going to try and keep all 'jokes' on a Thanksgiving theme for the week. From corny kids one liners to maybe better and longer ones. Remember, you don't have to read them. Here goes:

......Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?

Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat..........

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What did the turkey say before it was roasted?

Boy! I'm stuffed!........
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Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?

Because they never learned good table manners!
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Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
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The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
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What key has legs and can't open doors?

A Turkey.
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Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"
"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."
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What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!
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Why did the turkey cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.
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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Their AGE
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Why can't you take a turkey to church?

Because they use such FOWL language
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What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?

Turkey feathers

 

Ten thousand comedians are out of work and Stan's got jokes !!!

Keep it up buddy !!!

PISTOL

 

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come
back to inform the other of the afterlife - their biggest fear being that
there really was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a
few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice
saying, "Maude ... Maude ..."

"Is that you, Fred?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room, and
the voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."

"What's it like, Fred?" Maude asked, and Fred said, "Well, I get up in the
morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I
bathe in the sun for awhile and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then
have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner, I have sex until late at
night and the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Fred," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"

"Not exactly," Fred said ... "I'm a rabbit somewhere in Wyoming."

 

Thanksgiving Weather Report
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one you should be sure to email to your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near F 190. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone
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How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey & a bottle of Wild Turkey 101-Proof

Step 2: Take a drink of WT-101

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of WT-101

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more WT drinks

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky poo

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: WwwT another wottle of get

Step 11: Stuck a turkey UP the thermometer

Step 12: Glass Uself a pour of DoubleUT (WT)

Step 13: Book the wwwtt for 4-ours

Step 14: Took the oven out of the turk

Step 15: (hic) pete - Took the oven out of the turk

Step 16: Floor the turk up off of the picky

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get uself awother ww-hic-tttt

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour Uself a gas of turk

Step 20: Bless the Lord oh turk, and pass the wt

 

"The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven"

~ Jack Prelutsky ~

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.


It ricocheted into a corner and
burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.


*********************
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the
food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked,

"If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

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What does a turkey like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing; they are already stuffed.

Is turkey soup good for your health?
Not if you're the turkey.

Why did the turkey bolt down his food?
Because she was a gobbler.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To show that he wasn't chicken.

Did you hear about the government officials who talked turkey?
They spoke gobbledygook.

Or, as the mother turkey said to her daughter as she wolfed down her
meal, "Don't gobble your food."

Why are turkeys so good at arithmetic?
Because they count the number of chopping days until Thanksgiving.

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks.

Why did the band leader save the drumsticks from thirty- eight turkeys?
Because he wanted seventy-six tom bones.

Why do turkeys have such a persecution complex?
Because they're cut to pieces, they have the stuffing knocked out of
them, and they're picked on for days after Thanksgiving.

As the leftover turkey said after it was wrapped up and refrigerated,
"Foiled again."

What do turkeys like to do on sunny days?
Go to peck-nics!


How are a Turkey, a Donkey, and a Monkey the same?
They all have keys!


What happened to the turkey whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
He was tickled to death!


What do you get when youcross a turkey with a centipede?
A drumstick for everybody!


What kind of weather does a turkey like?
Fowl weather!


What side of the turkey is the left side?
The part that wasn't eaten!


What do you call a bunch of turkeys playing football?
Fowl play!


Why are New England turkeys hard to understand?
Because they speak in gobbled English.

Did you hear about the government officials who talked turkey?
They spoke gobbledygook.

Why is a turkey similar to a ghost?
Because it's a-gobblin.

Thanksgiving is a time when turkeys turn from gobblers to gobblees.

Why did the turkey go to the movie?
To see Gregory Peck!


What do you get if you cross a turkey with a bell?
A bird that has to wring its own neck!


Why are New England turkeys hard to understand?
Because they speak in gobbled English.


Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It's served with very little dressing.


Why did the Pilgrim kill the turkey?
Because he was in a fowl mood.

 

Hmmmm and all this from "South of the Border" Stan do they have Turkey's down there? :-* Have a good one anyway...

 

Yup, lots and lots of turkeys. The small turkeys (kids) down here are known as 'wilows'. Out in the country the turkeys run wild but somehow each homesteader knows his own and vice versa.

 

Stuffed Turkey

Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen,
watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bruno said.
"Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Thanksgiving is a traditional American Holiday where families all over the United States sit for dinner at the same time---Halftime.

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Twas the Nite before Thanksgiving


Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moaning' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings - who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then walks in my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's takin' so long? Aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain,
and screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, no, it's the pies!! They're burned all to a crisp!!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

*****************

Twas the Nite of Thanksgiving

Twas the Nite of Thanksgiving
But I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.


The leftovers beckoned -
The dark meat and white
But I fought the temptation
With all of my might

Tossing and turning
With anticipation
The thought of a snack
Became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge,
Full of goodies galore.

Gobbled up turkey
And buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots,
Beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling
So plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling,
Floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding
And a handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell
As i soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all -
Pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy
Have nary a lump,

May your yams be delicious
May your pies take the prize,
May your thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs.

Happy Turkey Day

 

An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "that was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand".

The Canadian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ****.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Canadian finally said .............







"Well, will you look at that: I'm getting a fax".

 

Alk

 

The Trap

A Pilgrim woman told her husband it would be nice to invite the Indians over for dinner to thank them for all their help since the arrival at Plymouth Rock. She asked him to go hunting and catch a nice big pheasant so they could have a celebration. The husband, having just gotten off the boat, wasn't much of a hunter, but he did his best and set a snare along a small path in the woods.

A short while later, a pheasant came down the path and noticed the circle of strings. "Gee," it said, "That looks like a trap. Someone could get hurt in one of those." And the pheasant gingerly stepped around the trap.

Soon, another pheasant came down the path and saw the snare. "Gosh!" it said. "A bird could get caught in one of those. These things shouldn't be left lying around!" The pheasant carefully stepped around the trap and went on its way.

Then, a turkey came down the path. Upon seeing the snare, it said, "Wow! A trap! I wonder if it works ..."

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Thanksgiving Blessings

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren.

Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face.

When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."

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I Don't Want To Go

Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

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Run Turkey, Run

Dear Abbey,

I have the prettiest girlfriend in the world -- and the nicest, I thought, until I realized that "Gwen" does not understand or respect my favorite sport: hunting. Yesterday, my hunting partner and I took Gwen with us hunting for wild turkeys, so she could understand the appeal. I explained everything to her the night before, but hunting day was a disaster. Gwen wasn't up at 4:30 a.m. like I told her to be. Then she dressed and fixed her hair and did makeup the way she usually does. She absolutely refused to wear the face paint and camouflage I'd given her. In the woods Gwen refused to whisper or walk quietly. Her hair spray attracted mosquitoes and bees, and she wouldn't stay where we told her to. To top it off, when we finally spotted a turkey and got close, Gwen threw up her arms and SCREAMED, "RUN, TURKEY! RUN!" My friend couldn't stop laughing. I am so angry I haven't been able to speak to her since. Abbey, how could this woman be so insensitive to my feelings? Now I'm no longer sure this relationship is a good idea. Gwen is good-looking and can cook, but is this relationship worth salvaging? I'm not giving up my turkey hunts!


TURKEYLESS IN ARKANSAS

Dear Turkeyless:

How can you call yourself "Turkeyless" when you brought Gwen with you? Whatever her feminine virtues may be, Gwen is clearly not someone who's likely to develop a love for blood sports. If your ideal woman is one who enjoys rising at 4:30 a.m., wearing camouflage while she accompanies you on a hunting expedition, you're barking up the wrong tree. Gwen may look like a trophy, but you've been chasing a decoy.

From a "Dear Abbey" column

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.......and with that DTR'ers, you will be happy to hear that I will not be posting any more Thanksgiving jokes. But Christmas is coming soon! (How is that for a threat? )

 

A little boy comes down to breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.



Well, he's a little irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

I once played poker with a ghost. He bet and laid down five hearts, but I won with a full house. So, the spirit was willing, but the flush was weak.

 

''Honeydew you love me?'' ''Yes, but we're married, so we cantaloupe.''

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Atlanta School Board

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

 

How do angels improvise?
They wing it.

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Doe in the Woods

Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods?
A: I'll never do that for two bucks again.

***************

Redneck Bubble Baths

You might be a redneck if your wife yells, ''Come on, move this transmission so I can take a bath!''

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The Devoted Wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''''

''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.

''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''