[quote author=berner link=board=10;threadid=17471;start=90#msg210159 date=1068988977]
Hope I don't get in trouble for this, but here goes.....

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the heck have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

[/quote]

 

OK folks, In the British Parliamentary system, all comments are directed to the Speaker of the House. No commennts may be made directly to another member. Supposedly cuts down on arguments, because in order to be heard, one must be recognized by the speaker. Late 1800's Benjamin Disraeli, Prime Minister of England is most annoyed with a member of the Opposition. So he stands and asks "Mr. Speaker, would I be out of order if I were to call the honourable member from ........ a lying son of a b....?" The speaker says "You would, sir." Disraeli replies "Then I won't."

 

Chili Tester Named Cameron

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore know and adored by all."
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE:
A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

CAMERON:
Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE:
Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

CAMERON
Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


JUDGE ONE:
Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO:
A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

CAMERON:
This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."


Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

CAMERON:
I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled... it's kinda cute.


Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO:
Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

CAMERON:
My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

CAMERON:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE;
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:
Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

CAMERON:
You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE:
This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO:
A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

CAMERON:
Momma !!

 

That's a little better Stan.

 

Adam and Eve had a perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his mother's great cooking.

 

[quote author=Mexstan link=board=10;threadid=17471;start=105#msg211313 date=1069225747]
Adam and Eve had a perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his mother's great cooking.
[/quote]

Would someone please hide Stan's joke book. :'( :'( ;D ;D ;D

 

I don't have a joke book. Some of this stuff gets sent to me by my friends and other stuff I just happen to come across as I go thru my normal internet routine. Some of the one liners come from the front page of an internet newspaper I read daily. Yes, a few of these jokes are pretty lame, real groaners, but didn't they still make you smile? Maybe will try a longer, old time joke tomorrow. Bob and Redleg, try not to laugh when you read it, specially if you have seen it before.

 

Book???? Stan has a book????

All this time I thought Hoss was feeding him a steady diet!!!! : : : ;D ;D

 

A little below the belt maybe, but here goes ...

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a trash bag have in common ??

A: They are both white, plastic and dangerous to small kids !!!


Another one ...

Q: How do you know when it is bedtime at Michael Jacksons house ??

A: When the big hand reaches the little hand :-X :-X.

PISTOL

 

Recently there was a thread about stupidity. Maybe I should start a thread called: "The stupid thing I did today" How about these:

1.* WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
*He received a $26 million dollar severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2.* WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting
"Please come out and give yourself up."

3.* WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself, for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5.* DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles, had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"

6.* ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!".
"Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted,
"This is her husband!".

7.* NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted in to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER ... THIS IS TRUE ...

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Wasn't me !!

 

In case the above did not make anybody smile, I'll try again with this oldie:

Dearest Redneck Son...

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. I hope they come back soon,
like I told your dad we shouldn't have to wear
the same clothes more than a week.

About that coat you wanted me to send;
your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning,
but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went
off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt

 

And the ending to Stan's Letter:

I was going to put some money in the envelope for you, but I had already sealed it...

DW

 

Stumpy and Martha

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word it's ten dollars! "
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but like Martha always said, ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

WHAT A CREW

A fire started on some grassland near a farm.
The C.D.F. fire department was called to put the fire out.
The fire was a more than the C.D.F. could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They rumbled straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.
The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two
easily controllable parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with
the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That oughta be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is
get the brakes fixed on that darn old fire truck."

 

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them.
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord
dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth,
let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the gate, and we'll be done."
They say, the old guy made it back to town before the boy!