Ahhhh yes, "The Circle of Life"

 

Mafia Don

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to
his bed
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.

Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda your wife in bed with another man.

What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?"

 

Did you hear about the fellow who made criminal history concealing his cannabis operation by planting it between rows of vegetables? He was the first person in history to be arrested for weeding his garden.

 

Aggie Entrance Exam?

AUCM PUPPIES?
LMNO PUPPIES!
OSMR2 PUPPIES CMPN!
LIB MNR2 PUPPIES! I CMPN!

 

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage,
"Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,
"So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten.
So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

On the flip side of that one.
While working in a Volvo dealership (many moons ago) we had a doctor/customer who thought he was God's gift to mankind.
He confronted the mechanic who was attempting to isolate a "sometimes" electrical problem and beligerantly ask the mechanic why it was so hard to diagnose the trouble, and that he never had "come-backs".

The mechanic cooly told the Dr.
"I have to deal with changes every model year for 5 different models of cars."
"You only have two that never upgrade, Male & Female".
"And as for come-back troubles, you don't have 'em 'cuz you bury 'em."
The Dr. then went back to the waiting room.

 

[quote author=Shovelhead link=board=10;threadid=17471;start=90#msg209171 date=1068724143]
On the flip side of that one.
While working in a Volvo dealership (many moons ago) we had a doctor/customer who thought he was God's gift to mankind.
He confronted the mechanic who was attempting to isolate a "sometimes" electrical problem and beligerantly ask the mechanic why it was so hard to diagnose the trouble, and that he never had "come-backs".

The mechanic cooly told the Dr.
"I have to deal with changes every model year for 5 different models of cars."
"You only have two that never upgrade, Male & Female".
"And as for come-back troubles, you don't have 'em 'cuz you bury 'em."
The Dr. then went back to the waiting room.
[/quote]

I like it!!

 

Another Customer/ same Volvo dealer.
Came in complaining that his radio would cut out when going through tunnels and under bridges.
Wanted to know why we wouldn't install the "special" antenna wiring that was used on his private plane, as he never had his radio cut out while flying.

Mechanic asked him
"How many times have you flown through a tunnel?"

 

[quote author=Shovelhead link=board=10;threadid=17471;start=90#msg209188 date=1068729204]
Another Customer/ same Volvo dealer.
Came in complaining that his radio would cut out when going through tunnels and under bridges.
Wanted to know why we wouldn't install the "special" antenna wiring that was used on his private plane, as he never had his radio cut out while flying.

Mechanic asked him
"How many times have you flown through a tunnel?"




[/quote]

 

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around
to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket,
and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies
that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said,
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--
"Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, " Hard to fool them flies though. "

 

Going to bed one night, a man looked out the window and noticed people were in his shed stealing things. He phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. He hung up.

A minute later he called again. "Hello," he said, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them."

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said you'd shot them?"

The man replied: "I thought you said there was no one available!"

 

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?


_________________________________

Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775.00 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." _________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
_________________________________

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
_________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_________________________________

Q: You said the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to our attorney?
A: No, this is how I usually dress for work.
_________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

Stan, thats hilarious. The bad part is I think I hired that lawyer once.
Ed

 

You Guys are tearin me up so I guess I'll throw one in

A little boy missed 2 days of school and when he returned from his absense the teacher asked him why he had'nt been in school. Well mam the reason I wasn't hear is cause daddy sleeps necked.
What in the world do you mean by that replied the teacher.
well you see a fox has been hangin around the hen house,and the other night daddy was a sleepin and was woke up by the chickens makin an awful racket. Well daddy grabbed the old double barrel that he keeps by the bed and eased on down the stairs and out to the hen house,just about the time daddy swung open that hen house door old Rover come out from in under the porch and cold nosed daddy. Well mam we been home a pickin chickens for the last 2 days

 

Hope I don't get in trouble for this, but here goes.....

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the heck have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"