Did you hear about the new priest who got a bit pompous when he celebrated his first communion? A case of altar ego.

 

Father Pat and Rabbi Abraham sat together at a banquet. Father Pat ask the Rabbi when he was ever going to get to taste a good chunk of ham steak. The Rabbi replied, at your wedding, Father Pat.

 

Thieves stole a van containing bottles of hair restorer. Police are now combing the area.

 

What do you get when neat freaks take over the mob? Really, really organized crime.

 

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

 

Ten signs you are too old to be trick or treating.

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing one.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining
orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge
your hairpiece.
2. Your the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

 

Both prospective landlords wished to charge exorbitant rents. It was clearly the evil of two lessors.

 

Then theres the one about the midget fortune teller who robbed the bank and got away.... Newspaper headlines proclaimed, "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE"

 

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids...I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."

 

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

 

Two police officers pull over a black Mercedes. One officer walks up to the window and asks the driver for his licence and registration. The man booms ''Do you know who I am?'' The cop yells over to his partner, ''Hey Joe, come over here. We got a guy who doesn't know who he is!

 

If we used milk from cloned cows, frozen into a tasty dessert, couldn't we then all enjoy an ice cream clone?

 

[quote author=Mexstan link=board=10;threadid=17471;start=75#msg206423 date=1068125501]
If we used milk from cloned cows, frozen into a tasty dessert, couldn't we then all enjoy an ice cream clone?
[/quote]
Ack

 

May not have time tomorrow to post a smile. Have just come across this one so am posting it early. Read it tomorrow.

Ed and Jed are walking down the road. Ed says to Jed, “If I can guess how many chickens you have in that sack will you give me one?”

Jed thinks about it for a moment and says, “If you can guess how many chickens I have in this sack I’ll give you both of them.”

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.