OK DTR'ers, I know almost half of you have frozen brains this morning so now is a good chance to pick on you and make you think. Get that sluggish grey matter moving. This morning is all riddles. Here goes:

What Is It?

Girls have it but boys don't
Billy has it but Kelly doesn't



The Answer:

The letter "I"

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Lights On

A man lives in his house. He also works out of his house and his job is very important. Everyday the man must sleep with the lights on to avert from tradgedy. One night the man gets so sick of the light he turns it out for the night. The next moring he reads the newspaper, takes out a gun, and shoots himself.

Where did the man live ?




The Answer:

A Light House

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Sand Castle

If it takes 20 buckets of sand to make a sandcastle, how many buckets will it need to make another castle of the same shape,
but twice as big in each direction ?




The Answer:

160 buckets. Since the large castle will be twice as long, twice as wideand twice as high, it will be 2 * 2 * 2 = 8 times the mass of the small one.

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Woman's Shootings

A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.

How can this be?




The Answer:

The woman was a photographer.

She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

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Car Race

If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?



The Answer:

You would be in 2nd (not 1st!).

you passed the guy in second place, not first.

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What am I?

I am enjoyed by some, despised by others, and some abuse me. I am a sacrament, a gift. I am never-ending, yet at times some break me. What am I?




The Answer:

Marriage

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The Bridge Riddle

Four members of a band are walking to a night concert. They decide to take a shortcut, but must cross a bridge. Luckily they have one flashlight. Because of the varying size of their instruments, it takes each member a different amount of time to cross the bridge - it takes the first person one minute, the second person two minutes, the third person five minutes and the fourth person ten minutes. They must cross the bridge in pairs, travelling at the slower speed so if the one minute person went with the ten minute person, it would take a total of ten minutes. Since there is only one flashlight, one person must come back across the bridge, then another pair can cross. They only have 17 minutes to cross the bridge and still get to the concert on time. What order should they cross to get everyone across and get to the concert?




The Answer:

First, the one minute person and the two minute person must cross the bridge, for a total of two minutes. Then the one minute person should come back with flashlight - total of three minutes. The five minute person and the ten minute person cross together next, making the total thirteen minutes. Now the two minute person goes back and (total now fifteen minutes) and gets the one minute person and they cross together bringing the total to seventeen minutes.

 

Uhhh..... HOSS?????????

 

Spots=troublemaker Methinks you are gonna pay for that boy!

 

Texas Women





Three Texas Females..
These three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and
wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the
morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night
before.

The first one, a brunette, is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked
if she has any last words. She says, "I am from the Baylor School of
Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on
behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens,
so they figure God must not want this woman to die and they let her go.

The second one, a redhead, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I
am from the Texas Tech University School of Law and I believe in the
power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw
The switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on
this woman's side, so they let her go too.

The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas
Aggie
Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna
electrocute
nobody if you don't connect them two wires."

 

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie
Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when
they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The
chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the
condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last
requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot,
spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is
my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing
"We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're
listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end."
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the butt," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt," insisted the
Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the butt. The
Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his
waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to
his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with
gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just
shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the a$$?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

 

7 reasons not to mess with a child:

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2. A Kindergar! ten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of whi! te hair sticking out in contrast to the others on her brunette head. The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively
asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or be unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'there's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or that's Michael, he's a doctor .'" A
small voice at the back of the room rang out, "and there's the teacher, she's dead."

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know,! would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "cause your feet aren't empty."

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "take only ONE. God is watching " Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

What's on your back?

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

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A cultural comparison

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.


Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.


Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.


Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.


Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.


Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.


Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


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Measuring on the job

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".


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Welcoming to America

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

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A collection of insults!

I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.

I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.

Don't get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit.

This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.

Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?

I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?

The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?

I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!

You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.

You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.

Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.

They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.

Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.

You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?

Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.

You will never be able to live down to your reputation!

Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!

You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?

You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

Eventually, you will get what you asked for.

Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!

You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!

 

I'm sorry to have to do this,
but this thread has to be closed.

Majority vote of the Administration and Moderation team.

It's becoming a repository of everyones "jokes of the day" emails, and has had to be edited on many occasions to keep it within the rules of the site.

An occasional joke now and then isn't bad, but this had grown out of control.

Thank you for your support.

phox