Your morning Smile
12-30-2003 | 05:44 PM
#212
Adminstrator-ess
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 22,594
Likes: 17
From: New Holland, PA
Originally posted by Mexstan
Guys and gals, I need your feedback. This thread has run longer that I ever expected and has been read by a lot of folks. Please let me know if I should continue with these jokes or stop. OK, I admit that some are real groaners and some are oldies, but I am trying to suit all the varied tastes here at DTR.
Guys and gals, I need your feedback. This thread has run longer that I ever expected and has been read by a lot of folks. Please let me know if I should continue with these jokes or stop. OK, I admit that some are real groaners and some are oldies, but I am trying to suit all the varied tastes here at DTR.
12-30-2003 | 06:05 PM
#213
Banned
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,358
Likes: 0
From: FL
Originally posted by Mexstan
Hey spots, have you read this:
..."Genius may have its
limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." --Elbert Hubbard
Hey spots, have you read this:
..."Genius may have its
limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." --Elbert Hubbard
Now where'd you find that quote??If I wasn't about a billion miles from ya I'd just hafta come down there and....swap jokes and drink your beer.
12-31-2003 | 06:26 AM
#215
Thread Starter
It's my pot and I'll stir it if I want to. If you're not careful, I'll stir your's as well!
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 3,198
Likes: 173
From: Central Mexico.
Collection of Trick Questions
1. How many 3-cent stamps in a dozen?
a. 3
b. 4
c. 12
d. 6
2. You're the pilot of an airplane that travels from New York to
Chicago - a distance of 800 miles. The ai.rplane travels at 200
m.p.h. and makes one stop for 30 minutes. What is the pilot's name?
a. There is information missing.
b. You can't tell from the question.
c. Both a & b.
d. You can tell from the question.
3. Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?
a. Yes.
b. No.
c. Legality has nothing to do with it.
d. It's legal, but unethical.
4. There are ten black and ten white stockings in a drawer. If you
reach into the drawer in the dark, what is the least number of
stockings you must take out before you are sure of a pair that
matches?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4
5. A kangaroo is at the bottom of a 30-foot well. Each day he jumps up
three feet and slips back two. At that rate, when will he reach the
top?
a. 27th day
b. 28th day
c. 29th day
d. 30th day
6. A rope ladder is hanging over the side of a ship. The ladder is 12
feet long, and the rungs are one foot apart. The lowest rung is
resting on the top of the ocean. The tide rises at the rate of four
inches per hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs
of the ladder are under water?
a. 36 hours.
b. 2 days.
c. They will never be under water.
d. 1 day.
7. Which would be worth more - a trunk full of nickels or a half a
trunk full of dimes?
a. Dimes.
b. Nickels.
c. Both are the same.
d. None of the above.
8. A child playing on the beach had 6-1/6 sand piles in one place and
3-1/3 in another. If he put them together, how many sand piles would
he have?
a. 10
b. 3-1/3
c. 2-5/6
d. None of the above.
9. It takes 4-1/2 hours for a jet to fly coast to coast. One plane
leaves Los Angeles for New York at 4:40 P.M., while another plane
leave New York for Los Angeles at 6:00 P.M. Which plane will be
closer to New York when they pass each other?
a. The LA bound plane.
b. The NY bound plane.
c. Neither would be closer.
d. None of the above.
10. In the Hope family there are seven sisters and each sister has one
brother. Including Mr. & Mrs. Hope, how many are in the family?
a. 10
b. 16
c. 14
d. None of the above.
******************
Why is Dracula so unpopular?
He's a pain in the neck.
What do you get when you cross a lumberjack with a pig?
A pork chop.
What do you get if you cross a dog with a test-tube?
A laboratory retriever.
Why do cows use the doorbell?
Because their horns don't work.
What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
An envelope.
1. How many 3-cent stamps in a dozen?
a. 3
b. 4
c. 12
d. 6
2. You're the pilot of an airplane that travels from New York to
Chicago - a distance of 800 miles. The ai.rplane travels at 200
m.p.h. and makes one stop for 30 minutes. What is the pilot's name?
a. There is information missing.
b. You can't tell from the question.
c. Both a & b.
d. You can tell from the question.
3. Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?
a. Yes.
b. No.
c. Legality has nothing to do with it.
d. It's legal, but unethical.
4. There are ten black and ten white stockings in a drawer. If you
reach into the drawer in the dark, what is the least number of
stockings you must take out before you are sure of a pair that
matches?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4
5. A kangaroo is at the bottom of a 30-foot well. Each day he jumps up
three feet and slips back two. At that rate, when will he reach the
top?
a. 27th day
b. 28th day
c. 29th day
d. 30th day
6. A rope ladder is hanging over the side of a ship. The ladder is 12
feet long, and the rungs are one foot apart. The lowest rung is
resting on the top of the ocean. The tide rises at the rate of four
inches per hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs
of the ladder are under water?
a. 36 hours.
b. 2 days.
c. They will never be under water.
d. 1 day.
7. Which would be worth more - a trunk full of nickels or a half a
trunk full of dimes?
a. Dimes.
b. Nickels.
c. Both are the same.
d. None of the above.
8. A child playing on the beach had 6-1/6 sand piles in one place and
3-1/3 in another. If he put them together, how many sand piles would
he have?
a. 10
b. 3-1/3
c. 2-5/6
d. None of the above.
9. It takes 4-1/2 hours for a jet to fly coast to coast. One plane
leaves Los Angeles for New York at 4:40 P.M., while another plane
leave New York for Los Angeles at 6:00 P.M. Which plane will be
closer to New York when they pass each other?
a. The LA bound plane.
b. The NY bound plane.
c. Neither would be closer.
d. None of the above.
10. In the Hope family there are seven sisters and each sister has one
brother. Including Mr. & Mrs. Hope, how many are in the family?
a. 10
b. 16
c. 14
d. None of the above.
******************
Why is Dracula so unpopular?
He's a pain in the neck.
What do you get when you cross a lumberjack with a pig?
A pork chop.
What do you get if you cross a dog with a test-tube?
A laboratory retriever.
Why do cows use the doorbell?
Because their horns don't work.
What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
An envelope.
01-01-2004 | 08:50 AM
#216
Thread Starter
It's my pot and I'll stir it if I want to. If you're not careful, I'll stir your's as well!
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 3,198
Likes: 173
From: Central Mexico.
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last but not least...
1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
********************
WORDS WOMEN USE
******************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel
they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe
how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of
wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last
"Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care"
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you
are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs"
mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe,
and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that s
he wants to think long and hard before paying you back
for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay"
is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance
with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies
that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed
by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong
after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last but not least...
1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
********************
WORDS WOMEN USE
******************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel
they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe
how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of
wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last
"Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care"
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you
are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs"
mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe,
and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that s
he wants to think long and hard before paying you back
for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay"
is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance
with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies
that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed
by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong
after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
01-01-2004 | 08:03 PM
#220
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 4,199
Likes: 1
From: Branchville, Alabama
Originally posted by spots
Haulin shouldn't you be running ashphalt under your tires trying to make up some lost time instead of reading Stan's jokes??
Haulin shouldn't you be running ashphalt under your tires trying to make up some lost time instead of reading Stan's jokes??
been out since last April, about time to fix it before summer comes again 
01-02-2004 | 06:14 AM
#223
Thread Starter
It's my pot and I'll stir it if I want to. If you're not careful, I'll stir your's as well!
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 3,198
Likes: 173
From: Central Mexico.
Mommy Mommy
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
********************
A REAL Man's Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive
15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine has already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the bottom of the list below!
Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
William J Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Mr. Slick Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
**************************
- Hillary Negotiates With The Devil
Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"
"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.
"A pandering media?" she asked.
"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.
"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.
"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.
Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"
**********************
- What Guys REALLY Do When They Go Hunting
Joe's wife was nice enough to pack his things for him for his hunting trip.
Sara, Joe's wife always wondered why he had never caught anything when he went hunting.
She always had the feeling that Joe and his buddies went to cheap strip clubs and drank the weekend away.
Well when Joe returned from hunting on weekend, Joe said to his wife, "Hey Sara, Thanks for packing my bag and all...but you forget to pack clean underwear".
Sara replies, "Well next time look in your rifle case."
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
********************
A REAL Man's Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive
15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine has already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the bottom of the list below!
Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
William J Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Mr. Slick Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
**************************
- Hillary Negotiates With The Devil
Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"
"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.
"A pandering media?" she asked.
"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.
"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.
"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.
Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"
**********************
- What Guys REALLY Do When They Go Hunting
Joe's wife was nice enough to pack his things for him for his hunting trip.
Sara, Joe's wife always wondered why he had never caught anything when he went hunting.
She always had the feeling that Joe and his buddies went to cheap strip clubs and drank the weekend away.
Well when Joe returned from hunting on weekend, Joe said to his wife, "Hey Sara, Thanks for packing my bag and all...but you forget to pack clean underwear".
Sara replies, "Well next time look in your rifle case."
01-03-2004 | 06:46 AM
#224
Thread Starter
It's my pot and I'll stir it if I want to. If you're not careful, I'll stir your's as well!
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 3,198
Likes: 173
From: Central Mexico.
The Fire Truck
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says, "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"
The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks, mister," says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its *********. "Little boy," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
**********************
Addicted
One day an old Dodge mechanic was working late under his truck and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad," he thought.
The next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything.
The following day the mechanic told his friend about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.
A few days later the mechanic was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend, "This brake fluid is really great stuff." His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem, man" the mechanic replied. "I can stop quickly any time."
***********************
Carb Problems
A young blonde stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every *one in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, "Perhaps an old truck" she mused to herself.
That week she grabbed a copy of the local Auto Trader and fell in love with a beautiful old Dodge truck. It was restored perfectly and every speck of chrome shined like a star.
The salesman told her that these old trucks required some quirky maintenance - a little squirt of oil here once a week, a few pumps of grease here twice a week, and so on. The blonde didn't mind, and with a quick flash of the Visa card, she was off driving down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new truck. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could go wrong? With that there was a few coughs from the engine and the pretty truck coasted to a stop.
She got out and lifted the hood. After a few minutes she realized that she didn't have a clue as to what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone. A quick phone call to AAA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow tow-truck pull up behind her.
The bowlegged old tow-truck driver ambled up to her and said, "That sure is a beauty of a truck. What seems to be the matter?"
"Well it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look," he said, "There ain't much to these old flatheads"
He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a kitten again.
"Oh goody!" she said, "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just *crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, great!. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
*************
Car Mechanic
A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.
"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job, really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."
********************
Old Flatbeds Never Die
A young man was walking into town one day when a got a ride form an old man hauling wood on a beat-up old Dodge stake truck.
After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.
The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.
"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, " It'll take me a whole day to write out the ticket. I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"
********************
The Five "Must Haves" for Old Dodge Truck Work!
If you work on old Dodge trucks, especially those with a flathead six, there are a few certain products that must be in every tool box. Lets take a look.
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in silvery
plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery,
insulation, tow rope, and more, in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's
a prejudice surrounding duct tape in certain snooty circles, but in the real
world everyone from rocket scientists to NASCAR drivers use it by
the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter
and a phone booth.
2. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig snot and has 1001 uses. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed. The nozzle is definitely one of the ten worst tools of all time.
3. Plastic Zip Ties: After years of lashing down stray hoses and
wires with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version
to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of
amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest
into something remotely resembling an actual wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying a used truck, subtract $100 for each zip tie visible under the hood.
4. Baling Wire: Commonly known as Dodge truck muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not
recommended for visible jobs since it works so well you'll never
replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite
in some circles, particularly those from the south.
5. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's
admit it, there's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking,
splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly
when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice
for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -- and
you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said -- who cares? It's
guaranteed.
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says, "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"
The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks, mister," says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its *********. "Little boy," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
**********************
Addicted
One day an old Dodge mechanic was working late under his truck and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad," he thought.
The next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything.
The following day the mechanic told his friend about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.
A few days later the mechanic was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend, "This brake fluid is really great stuff." His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem, man" the mechanic replied. "I can stop quickly any time."
***********************
Carb Problems
A young blonde stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every *one in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, "Perhaps an old truck" she mused to herself.
That week she grabbed a copy of the local Auto Trader and fell in love with a beautiful old Dodge truck. It was restored perfectly and every speck of chrome shined like a star.
The salesman told her that these old trucks required some quirky maintenance - a little squirt of oil here once a week, a few pumps of grease here twice a week, and so on. The blonde didn't mind, and with a quick flash of the Visa card, she was off driving down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new truck. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could go wrong? With that there was a few coughs from the engine and the pretty truck coasted to a stop.
She got out and lifted the hood. After a few minutes she realized that she didn't have a clue as to what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone. A quick phone call to AAA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow tow-truck pull up behind her.
The bowlegged old tow-truck driver ambled up to her and said, "That sure is a beauty of a truck. What seems to be the matter?"
"Well it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look," he said, "There ain't much to these old flatheads"
He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a kitten again.
"Oh goody!" she said, "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just *crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, great!. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
*************
Car Mechanic
A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.
"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job, really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."
********************
Old Flatbeds Never Die
A young man was walking into town one day when a got a ride form an old man hauling wood on a beat-up old Dodge stake truck.
After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.
The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.
"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, " It'll take me a whole day to write out the ticket. I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"
********************
The Five "Must Haves" for Old Dodge Truck Work!
If you work on old Dodge trucks, especially those with a flathead six, there are a few certain products that must be in every tool box. Lets take a look.
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in silvery
plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery,
insulation, tow rope, and more, in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's
a prejudice surrounding duct tape in certain snooty circles, but in the real
world everyone from rocket scientists to NASCAR drivers use it by
the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter
and a phone booth.
2. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig snot and has 1001 uses. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed. The nozzle is definitely one of the ten worst tools of all time.
3. Plastic Zip Ties: After years of lashing down stray hoses and
wires with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version
to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of
amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest
into something remotely resembling an actual wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying a used truck, subtract $100 for each zip tie visible under the hood.
4. Baling Wire: Commonly known as Dodge truck muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not
recommended for visible jobs since it works so well you'll never
replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite
in some circles, particularly those from the south.
5. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's
admit it, there's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking,
splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly
when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice
for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -- and
you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said -- who cares? It's
guaranteed.
01-04-2004 | 06:57 AM
#225
Thread Starter
It's my pot and I'll stir it if I want to. If you're not careful, I'll stir your's as well!
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 3,198
Likes: 173
From: Central Mexico.
Bad Taste?
In San Diego in the late 1980's, a man named Tony visited an old people's home and began speaking with an elderly lady. As he talked, he helped himself to peanuts from a jar at the side of the old woman's chair. After some time, he asked the woman if she would like a peanut. She replied, "Oh, I can't eat the things dear. I just suck the chocolate off and drop them in a jar beside my chair."
*********************
Save the Whales
In Oregon, some clever authorities decided that they would blow up a beached dead whale with dynamite, rather than go to the trouble and expense of burying the rotting mammal. They surmised that after it was blown up, the hundreds of hungry seagulls that were hanging around would then eat the small portions of the big fish, and deal with the problem. The crowds and news media were moved back a ¼ of a mile and the dynamite was exploded. Unfortunately, thousands of pieces of rotten whale landed on the crowd, with one big whale portion landing on a spectator’s car, denting the roof in about 18 inches. The noise of the explosion caused the birds to completely disappear, leaving authorities with the exciting job of picking up the thousands of pieces of stinking whale and burying them.
*******************
What was that?
These are actual sentences taken from letters received by a large city's
Welfare Department in applications for support:
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
3. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything till he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.
12. In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
*******************
Not So Cold Turkey
A man in one of the Northern States shot a turkey, and put it and his gun in the trunk of the car. Unfortunately, the turkey was not quite dead and it kicked it's leg, set off the gun, and the man was shot in the leg. After he was treated at a local hospital, he was charged with shooting a turkey two weeks before the season began.
***************
For Better or Worse
A young pastor in Costa Mesa, California, was officiating at the wedding of a Mr. Bill Henry and Talia Crooks, his new-found bride. In a cool, clear voice he said, "We are gathered here today to celebrate the wedding of Bill and Henry."
******************
Send the Money
A man once answered an advertisement in the newspaper which said, "New Porsche -- $50.00" After paying for the car, he asked the woman why she had sold it at such a low price. She said, "My husband ran off with his secretary, and sent me a telegram saying, 'Sell the Porsche and send me the money.'"
**************
Lack of Evidence
In Duluth, Minnesota, a man named Jack Pettit was arrested on a charge that he stole a neighbor's pig. His attourney maintained that he was innocent and filed that the case be dismissed through lack of evidence. The judge agreed and the case was dismissed. Jack Pettit then thanked the judge and asked, "But do I have to give back the pig?"
In San Diego in the late 1980's, a man named Tony visited an old people's home and began speaking with an elderly lady. As he talked, he helped himself to peanuts from a jar at the side of the old woman's chair. After some time, he asked the woman if she would like a peanut. She replied, "Oh, I can't eat the things dear. I just suck the chocolate off and drop them in a jar beside my chair."
*********************
Save the Whales
In Oregon, some clever authorities decided that they would blow up a beached dead whale with dynamite, rather than go to the trouble and expense of burying the rotting mammal. They surmised that after it was blown up, the hundreds of hungry seagulls that were hanging around would then eat the small portions of the big fish, and deal with the problem. The crowds and news media were moved back a ¼ of a mile and the dynamite was exploded. Unfortunately, thousands of pieces of rotten whale landed on the crowd, with one big whale portion landing on a spectator’s car, denting the roof in about 18 inches. The noise of the explosion caused the birds to completely disappear, leaving authorities with the exciting job of picking up the thousands of pieces of stinking whale and burying them.
*******************
What was that?
These are actual sentences taken from letters received by a large city's
Welfare Department in applications for support:
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
3. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything till he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.
12. In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
*******************
Not So Cold Turkey
A man in one of the Northern States shot a turkey, and put it and his gun in the trunk of the car. Unfortunately, the turkey was not quite dead and it kicked it's leg, set off the gun, and the man was shot in the leg. After he was treated at a local hospital, he was charged with shooting a turkey two weeks before the season began.
***************
For Better or Worse
A young pastor in Costa Mesa, California, was officiating at the wedding of a Mr. Bill Henry and Talia Crooks, his new-found bride. In a cool, clear voice he said, "We are gathered here today to celebrate the wedding of Bill and Henry."
******************
Send the Money
A man once answered an advertisement in the newspaper which said, "New Porsche -- $50.00" After paying for the car, he asked the woman why she had sold it at such a low price. She said, "My husband ran off with his secretary, and sent me a telegram saying, 'Sell the Porsche and send me the money.'"
**************
Lack of Evidence
In Duluth, Minnesota, a man named Jack Pettit was arrested on a charge that he stole a neighbor's pig. His attourney maintained that he was innocent and filed that the case be dismissed through lack of evidence. The judge agreed and the case was dismissed. Jack Pettit then thanked the judge and asked, "But do I have to give back the pig?"