A man wakes up screaming one day, picks up the phone and calls his wife who knew he was constipated the day before. When she picks up the phone he gripes, "That darnlaxative said guaranteed to work by 8 a.m.!"

His wife asks, "Well did it work?"

"Yes!" he screams. "But I didn't wake up until 9!"

************

A man wakes up screaming one day, picks up the phone and calls his wife who knew he was constipated the day before. When she picks up the phone he gripes, "That laxative said guaranteed to work by 8 a.m.!"

His wife asks, "Well did it work?"

"Yes!" he screams. "But I didn't wake up until 9!"


***************

We're off to see the wizard....

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain".

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?"

****************

NO JOKE!! MUST READ!!! WARNING!
PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,' DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year.

Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW .

 

Gentlemen,

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to
Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with
your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner
of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for
in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion
as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment
during a sandstorm in western Spain.

This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circum-
stance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a
surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my
instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why
I am dragging an army over these barren plains.

I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given
below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability,
but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the
benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

-- Duke of Wellington,
to the British Foreign Office, London, 1812

 

Signs and notices

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."

Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Sign at a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

*****************

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".


***************

History of the bagpipes

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

 

Wonder if this thread should be split so people on dialup don't hafta wait for it to load??

 

Never thought of that. Good idea. On the other hand, maybe this thread has run it's course and it should stop.
Any opinions from y'all? Stop or keep going?

 

This Blonde was getting sick of being made fun of, so she dyed her hair brown. Now that she was happy nobody would make fun of her, she wanted to test it. So she's out in her car driving, when she sees a farmer with sheep. so she thinks about how to show she's smart and she goes to the farmer & tells him,"If I can guess how many sheep you have, you will give me one. So the farmer agrees and she says 256. It's correct so she says" I'll take that furry one there. When she's leaving, the farmer tells her, if I can guess the real color of your hair, will you give me my dog back?

 

I dunno I like it. Some are old and been around, some are good, some make me spit coffee in the am. You started it Stan, if you want to quit than your call IMO. I am on high speed so I really don't mind if it is not split, but some on dialup might think otherwise. FWIW

 

Guys and gals, I need your feedback. This thread has run longer that I ever expected and has been read by a lot of folks. Please let me know if I should continue with these jokes or stop. OK, I admit that some are real groaners and some are oldies, but I am trying to suit all the varied tastes here at DTR.
Thanks Spots for your input.
So for now will continue and try to drive you more nuts than you already are.
************

Two Nuts


A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy man and immediately began his routine, "I am John the Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!"

************

Oreo Personality Test

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo
cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which
method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite
afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.


Your Personality:

1. The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with,
exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat
their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack
imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very
meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of
being **** retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the
fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

***************

I'm going ice fishing!

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

 

Stan, IMHO I think that this thread should run as long as people want to read it. You created this coffee through the nose spitting monster, and you should dispense your humor through it or dispense with it as you seem fit. As far as splitting goes, even those with dial up must still be willing to wait for it to load so that they may read it too....

BTW a sign here in Houston @ Cooksey's West Side Radiator-"The best place in town to take a leak", and a church bulletin board up in New Caney "Hell ain't half full, but keep driving like you are and it won't take long to fill up"

Gary

 

There was a magic mirror. If you told it the truth, it would grant you a wish. If you lied to it, it would vaporize you on the spot. One day a brunette walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof! She disappeared. A little while later a redhead walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof! She disappeared.
Later, a blond walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think..." POOF!!

 

Ditto on what Gary said. You post 'em, my coworkers keep groaning and throwing random objects.

brandon.

 

Hmmmmm, if everyone keeps reading them, groaning and throwing random objects, does that make all of you masochists?

 

What's being a mascot got to do with it????

 

Hey spots, have you read this:
..."Genius may have its
limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." --Elbert Hubbard

 

I'm not sure what the mascot has to do with it. They're calling the mental hospital since I'm sitting here with my 5"x 36" chrome stack the kind UPS man brought me today. They say I need to stop talking to it... "mmm. you look precious, my stack. you're all shiny and have perfect curves. mmmm stack...."

brandon.