A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

 

5. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.

10.You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day.

Ether of these could mean you’re from Texas. ;D
Oh wait that’s why all the people in Dallas drive so bad they all learned to drive in Michigan

 

I'm a driver education instructor up here in Michigan >

It's just that we only export the bad drivers to Texas ;D

DeWain

 

SO, YOUR THE DIRTY RAT!

cr

 

 

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

 

A Legal Seasonal Greeting

From me (hereinafter referred to as "the wishor&quot to you (hereinafter referred to as the "wishee&quot Please accept without obligation, except as stated herein, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms:

1. This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

2. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

3. This greeting is communicated "as is" and implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes, nor does it create any warranties of any kind, except as expressly stated herein.

4. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

5. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

6. The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

7. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", or any other festive figures, whether real or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party's names and images are hereby acknowledged.

Merry Christmas Joyeux Noël Fröhliche Weihnachten Feliz Navidad Buon Natale Zalig Kerstfeest God Jul gong zhu sheng dan Kala Cristougenna Feliz Natal Veselé Vánoce Glædelig Jul Hyvää Joulua SRozhdestvom Khristovym Geseënde Kersfees Nollaig Chridheil Selamat Hari Natal Gledelig Jul Maligayang Pasko KHristos Razhdayet’sya Yeni Yilinizi Kutlar Kuwa Na Krismasi Njema Shub naya baras Bung Nadal Kurisumasu omedeto Nadolig Llawen Kellemes Karácsonyi Ünnepeket Gong tsok sing dan

************

What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet.

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has no L (Noel)

What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?
Silent night.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What kind of bird can write?
A pen-quin.

What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
I'll have a boo Christmas without you.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad.

What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
Sandy Claws.

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Crisp Cringle

What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
Neither. Candles always burn shorter.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

***************

'Twas the Night Before Christmas, Reckneck Version

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared he could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know they was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"

"Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

***********

Holiday Diet Tips

1 - If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2 - If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

3 - When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat
the same amount.

4 - Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes
any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten
whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.

5 - Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they
are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's
personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter,
Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6 - Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage
causes calorie leakage.

7 - If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

8 - If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get
walked off.

9 - Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

10 - STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

***********

The Perfect Couple


Once apon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After the perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple
were driving their perfect car along a winding road,
when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Clause with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on Christmas Eve, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into thier
vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Clause had an accident. Only one
of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)






The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Clause and there is no such thing as the perfect man.

****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

****Men keep scrolling down.







So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Clause, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident in the first place.

By the way, if you're a woman and your reading this, it only serves to illustrate another point: women never listen either.

 

Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

"I'm a light bulb"answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".


Please don't tell my wife that I this!
CR

 

Don't cheer too loudly but think that today is going to be the last of the Christmas theme. Ramming down to Mexico City in a few hours and may not be back tonight so if The Morning Smile is missing tomorrow, someone else can fill in for me. So what is the next theme going to be?

Office Holiday Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

******************

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

*****************

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?

Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

**************

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

I know. I know. People say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little bigger!

Santa Claus sure is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Father to three-year old: "No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna."

Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a clearance sale.

*****************

Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?" Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want." So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now-- I look just like everyone else!" He thought happily. As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!" Santa rushed around a corner to hide. "It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought. So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!" Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?" The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you-- but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?"

 

Mad Cow- Restaurant order

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

*************

A Dying Democrat

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"
Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".

********************

Looking to expand your Country music collection, may we suggest some of these all time favorites?

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

(Pardon Me) I've Got Someone To Kill

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long

I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy

Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me

Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

You're A Cross I Can't Bear

It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me

I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

Heaven's Just A Sin Away

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure

It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)

Touch Me With More Than Your Hands

I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

The Last Word In Lonesome Is "Me"

Do You Love As Good As You Look

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite

When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)

My Shoes Keep Walkin' Back to You

You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log

And There Was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On

How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?

He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk!

Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You that I Love You When You Know I've Been a Liar All My Life?

 

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

 

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm
sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know
if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd
say he's pretty darn sheepish."

******************

True Story! A good friend of mine just got back from a trip to
Mexico with her daughter and son-in-law. After 5 days they were
all tired of the vendors coming up to them trying to sell trinkets
of varying kinds. One day my friend and her son-in-law were
walking on the beach when they were approached by another vendor
trying to sell his wares. My friend quickly pretended to be a non-
English speaking tourist. As they walked away smiling thinking of
how they outwitted the salesman, the salesman said in English
"Hey, you dropped something". They both turned around and looked
in the sand. The salesman quickly said "I knew you could speak
English"!

*******************

Saddam's daughter Raghad has defended her father. She said the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him or he never would have surrendered. She says he must have been gassed!

Hey, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars Bars in a tiny hole in the ground. I think he gassed himself.

****************

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, ''Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a holiday.''

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says it's Kermit Jagger and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says ''Sure, I have this'' and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: ''There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral''. She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ''I mean, what is this?''

The bank manager replies: ''It's a knick-knack Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone''.

( Aaarrrrggggg.......thud.... )

******************

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said 'yes'.

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! 'Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny...'

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

'Oh', she said, 'I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was.'

 

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until he died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

 

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

**************

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"


***************

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

******************

A thought from a bitter womanJokeindex Home

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?'

 

An Italian boy and a Jewish boy, lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a Jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hit man. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. For their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy received a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy received a 22 Beretta. The next day, they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy, so they switch gifts with each other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his Father and his Father is NOT pleased. "What are you, nuts? Let me tell you something, you idiot! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the hell ya gonna do? Look at your watch and say - 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"