shortround

Out of the racks.
Hit the deck.
If you don't get to moving,
you're gonna catch heck.

Work's got to get done,
as well you know.
Whether it's on your truck
or **** deep in snow.

So out comes the trash cans.
All shiney and clean.
If you don't get to moving,
I'm gonna get mean.

If you want to be ugly,
you know I don't scare.
Cause this is my 14th Monday
I don't really care.



Git up you clowns.

don'tknowwhyi'mperkytodayShortround out

Dieseldude4x4

I'm up, I'm up already.
Geeessshhh
(turning down the volume **** now)

Redleg

Shortrounds making limerick's, it's gonna be a straaaaaaange day......

Shovelhead

Yeah, yeah yeah,.....sheeeeeeze....I'm up already.

Got in a little late/early? just finished breakfast.

Trying to figure out what to do this week on Vacation.

ABSOLUTLY NOTHING

Ahhhhhh, that sounds about right. ;D

shortround

What a day. DWFIST&FO (Dealing With FIre SupporT & Forward Observers)
Intercom and helmets won't work.
Helmets need batteries and proper cables. Intercom stations need to be set up properly and/or the same.
The only difference between a grunt and a gun bunny is that a gun bunny has tender feet and has to ride.
This is a song that never ends..................

lesshairthanistartedwithearliertodayShortround out

NWDave

So far, this thread reminds me why I'm glad that I'm

[move]RETIRED[/move]

from the military way of life.

~Dave 8) 8) 8)

DPG

Good morning, everyone! I'm broadcasting "remote" this morning from Stamford, Connecticut. We're visiting my son, who is doing a computer science (software engineering) internship at a company here. He gets paid a salary, plus he is furnished an apartment, including maid service. What a deal! And the company is interested in offering him a job after he graduates next June. Needless to say, he seems to be doing very well. Today we are going to do the tourist thing and go into New York City, about 25 miles from here. Taking the train into the city, then the subway to get around. My dually would not be happy here! Narrow streets and little teeny parking spaces.

Keep you updated.

DeWain

Redleg

Hey Dewain, hope ya have fun, but be careful where you use your ATM card. Grand RapidsPress had an article this morning on scam machines that scan your card so the card can be reproduced and used later. Hundreds of machines found around New York. Make sure a bank owns the machine.

shortround

Being full of it this morning, the following is posted for your general enjoyment.

Real NCO's

Real NCO's:
1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Can remember when there weren't so many wussy soldiers.
3. Have a spine.
4. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
5. Can see in the dark.
6. Have eyes in the back of their heads.
7. Have actually read the US Constitution.
8. Would rather be on the frontline than behind a desk.
9. Have wet dreams about leading an assault on Baghdad.
10. Still don't trust the Russians.
11. Still hate the French.
12. Don't know how to be politically correct.
13. Don't give a about being politically correct.
14. Think that "politically correct" should fall under "sodomy" in the UCMJ.
15. Love deploying to combat because there is less paperwork and more "real" work.
16. Don't like taking orders from a guy who couldn't get a DD 214.
17. Still know how to use a buffer.
18. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M-1 Garand even though they are no longer in the Army inventory.
19. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
20. Know that the Cuban military was too stupid to have assassinated Kennedy.
21. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
22. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
23. Idolize John Wayne.
24. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "Commander".
25. Can remember when ******* weren't a "minority group".
26. Won't brief it if it is too complicated to fit on one page of those little green notebooks.
27. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
28. Really don't like taking crap from those whom haven't "been there".
29. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
30. Know how to do a daisy chain.
31. Knows that a daisy chain is not a sex act.
32. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked.
33. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
34. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP4.
35. Know that the digital Army is more screwed up than the old one.
36. Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the Bosnia, Iraq and Kosovo scenarios.
37. Don't believe a thing the Iraqis say.
38. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
39. Think of military pilots as guys who wear pajamas to work.
40. Have enough BDU's and long johns in their closet to start a surplus store.
41. Think that MRE's taste good. (with a little hot sauce) Change 1 Cs are better than MREs except Ham & MFs
42. Would like to see what kind of creature "ham and chicken loaf" comes from.
43. Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
44. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
45. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
46. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it, or when you can stand a truck jack up in it.
47. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.
48. Know that cold beer is a great motivator
49. Know that lousy leaders will always say they have lousy soldiers.

MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM

Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: __________________________________________
Carter: _________________________________________
Clinton: _________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify

Gestures Explained

The Car Talk show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers, have a feature called the "Puzzler."
A recent Puzzler was about the Battle of Agincourt in 1415 AD. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance.
The puzzler was: What was this body part?
This is the answer submitted by a listener:
Dear Click and Clack,
Thank you for the Agincourt "Puzzler," which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew." Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some "folk etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker," which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows) the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "F," and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

justlollygaggingaroundShortround out

sherod

SR, one more time my co-workers have told me to shutup. BUT, I had them take a read and we have decided that we ALL want some of whatever you had for breakfast. That last is hilarious.

Keep'em on the straight and narrow.

Anothercrustyoldmsgt Ed

Scotty

Hi

Did I mention what color the new truck is?

Redleg

Funna git a new truck? Schweeeeeet!

shortround

More humor from the Bat Cave.

The Navy, Army, and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Each team practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.
Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They concluded that the primary difference between the two teams was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering. So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. The consultants delivered a three-volume report, and advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Navy won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.
The Army team, meanwhile, having only recently obtained funding for a boat, is trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.



A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."


Rules of Combat...

USMC
1. Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
10. Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
11. Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17. Don't drop your guard.
18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
25. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."
Army
1. See USMC Rules for combat.
2. Add 60 to 90 days.
3. Hope the Marines have already destroyed all meaningful resistance.
Navy
1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere.
2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
3. Send in the Marines.
4. Drink Coffee.
5. Bring back the Marines.
Air Force
1. Kiss the spouse good-bye.
2. Drive to the flight line.
3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys.
5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer.


While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."



"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Naval Air pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left side tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left side tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough." Solution: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Aircraft handles funny." Solution: "Aircraft sternly warned to straighten up, fly right, and get serious."

Problem: "Target Radar hums." Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."

Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "Mouse in cockpit." Solution: "Cat installed."



Veteran's Bar

Four retired Navy vets are walking down the street window shopping.
Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the 'book by it's cover'.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."



Well, Lieutenant,, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a First Lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make Captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an General, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"
"Yeah, but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"
"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our ****** with leaves .. . "


feelingtoogoodforthe14thmondaythisweekShortround out

sherod

SR, with your ok I am printing this out. You is da man today!!!! For what it is worth, I am blaming you for me not getting much done today. I keep coming back to see what you have put up!!! Thanks for the chuckles. Ed

Redleg

Army calls a helicoptor a "Chopper"
Airforce calls it a "Bird"
Navy a "Whirleybird"
But what does a Marine call it?


Marines point to the sky and say "Ooh, ooh, ooh"