This should cheer you up on a Monday

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11-18-2002 | 06:56 AM

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This should cheer you up on a Monday

From: Santa Claus I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Missouri, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen," when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally, 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus

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11-18-2002 | 07:29 AM

redramnc

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Joined: May 2002

Posts: 409

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From: outside Raleigh, NC

Re:This should cheer you up on a Monday

Used to have a guy hear in the Raleigh area that looked like ol' Kris Kringle - flowing white beard, pug nose, round face, and would dress up as Santa every Christmas. He would go around to churches, schools, hospitals, etc. with his Santa outfit and have a blast with the kids every year. He drove a white 95 CTD set up for pulling his large TT. He worked in the same building as me before he retired and used to comment that "All the kids think Santa drives a white Dodge dually." ;D Santa could do alot worse.

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11-18-2002 | 08:07 AM

NWDave

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Joined: Jun 2002

Posts: 286

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From: Bellingham Washington

Re:This should cheer you up on a Monday

Bubba Claus ????? Alright!! Good one!! And his buddies are Hoss Claus (Texas) with his lead elf, Gonzo and his merry sheep (dyed red and green for the holidays) pulling his sleigh full of, well, I won't even go there