Shamelessly appropriated from another forum.<br><br>MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS<br>GENERAL:<br>1. Never take a beer to a job interview.<br>2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.<br>3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.<br>4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.<br>5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it<br>is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.<br><br>DINING OUT:<br>1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the<br>paper cup and pour slowly so as not to &quot;bruise&quot; the fruit of the vine.<br>2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.<br><br>ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:<br>1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.<br>2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.<br><br>PERSONAL HYGIENE:<br>1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that<br>should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.<br>2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.<br>3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.<br>4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they<br>tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.<br><br>DATING (Outside the Family):<br>1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.<br>2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: &quot;I've been wanting<br>to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.&quot;<br>3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some<br>will say 10:00 PM. Others might say &quot;Monday,&quot; If the latter is the<br>answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.<br><br>THEATER ETIQUETTE:<br>1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up<br>immediately after the movie has ended.<br>2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have<br>proven they can't hear you.<br><br>WEDDINGS:<br>1.. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.<br>2.. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.<br>3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a<br>cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.<br>4. Though uncomfortable, say &quot;yes&quot; to socks and shoes for this special occasion.<br><br>DRIVING ETIQUETTE:<br>1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is<br>loaded and the deer is in sight.<br>2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest<br>tires does not always have the right of way.<br>3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.<br>4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is<br>impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.<br>5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

 

 

That Martha, allways on top of things eh?