Mexstan

OK, we all know that the tech-support problem is out of
control these days. But just for fun, reader John Stumpf,
ex-CIO and now just a "retired geek," wrote up a Guide to Dell
Tech Support that's so clever/funny/smart, I had to pass it
on. Please welcome substitute columnist John Stumpf.

PREPARATORY WORK

So it has happened: you have fired up your Dell PC, and -
nothing. Or the dreaded "cannot find boot drive" or
something like that. Now you are forced into the unenviable position
of having to call Dell Off-shore Hardware Support. Look at it
as a journey, one on which you will be tested, much like Job
or Arthur Dent. You will descend into the ninth circle, but
with the proper preparation, tools and attitude, you will
return, a better person for it.

First, before you call, prepare. Raid your kids' library
and find some simple reading primers along the lines of "See
Spot Run." This will help you speak in non-complex sentences and
monosyllabic words.

Make an appointment for that root canal you have been
putting off. After what you are about to experience, you will look
forward to it.

Buy a speakerphone; it's tough to stay rational when your
neck is cramped. When you are ready to MAKE THE CALL, go to the bathroom, take an aspirin, get a book or crossword, stock up on water and
nibbles (preferably ones with high sugar content and no nutritional value; Twinkies are good). Shoo the kids out of your den; it's possible that they will hear things that could cause serious psychological issues later.
Do your relaxation exercises; take a sip of water; remember
Dan Rather's closing, "Courage." And MAKE THE CALL.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

The first thing that you will get is a recorded
announcement saying that you can go to support.dell.com online to get
help. This is your first test. Refrain from screaming that your PC is broken and you can't GET to the Internet. This is where it is handy to have a towel to bite on, so your family doesn't hear you screaming at a recording.

You may also be asked to enter your "Express Service Code."
(The discussion of why you have an "Express" Service Code
when you are spending a long time on hold is best put off for
another time.)

Eventually you will get to a person. You will tell him/her
why you are calling, and most likely you will be told you
have to call someone else. They will offer to transfer you,
but before they do, GET THE EXENSION NUMBER. This is very
important, especially when (not if) you get cut off. Note
that it is a seven-digit extension number.

While waiting, pause and ponder the size and complexity of a
company that needs an extension number the size of your
phone number.

Now you are getting close. You will eventually get to someone
who after getting your name, address, problem, and again,
Express Service code, will say the magic words, "I can help
you with that problem." You have now contacted a Dell
Offshore Personal Expert - a DOPE.

Some notes on this part of the process:

* The DOPE will probably call you by your first name,
because he/she wants to be your new best friend.

* He/she will profusely thank you at every step of the way
for the same reason.

* He/she will have a notable American name like Patrick,
Matthew or even a Shaun. Do not react to this.

But congratulations; YOU HAVE REACHED SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING
TO HELP YOU! You reached the ninth circle, and all you have
to do is return.

THE RETURN

What happens now will vary depending on your problem. But
here are some guidelines for dealing with the DOPES.

* Do not yell at them. Aside from the fact that it is rude, I
think the phone system has a volume limiter that will cut you
off. Bite the towel instead.

* Do not try sarcasm; DOPES don't understand it. Again, bite
the towel.

* Ditto humor.

* Do not use words like "escalate" or "supervisor." In my
case, they were greeted by a frosty silence. My guess is
that they sound like obscenities in the local language.

* Do not ask if there is U.S.-based support. You will be told
that there is "no U.S.-based Dell support."

* You may be told that the DOPE will take personal
responsibility for your problem. Loosely translated, this
means you will never hear from him/her again.

THERE IS HOPE

At some point in this process, you may reach a Newly
Oriented Dell Off-shore Personal Expert - a NO-DOPE. This is a
person that has recently joined Dell who hasn't been fully trained
and therefore will approach your problem in a friendly, knowledgeable
and professional manner. He/she will solve your problem in less time than it took to write this.

The moral of the story is to keep trying; eventually you will
reach a NO-DOPE.

YOU HAVE DONE IT

See, I told you that you could do it. Let the kids and pets back in,
throw out the towel, and start using complex sentences and polysyllabic words again. And late that night, after everyone has gone to bed, break out the 12-year-old stuff, and toast yourself. Tomorrow you can reload all your
programs and restore your data from your backup. You do have
a backup, don't you?

(All of the events related here are based on my experience with two incidents. The process was so frustrating that I probably will not buy another Dell. And of course apologies to Dante, Doug Adams, Greek mythology and those at Dell Off-shore Support who are great.)

Cmullen

i laughed for 5 minuters on the "Dope" comment.

Nate-03 D

Glad I don't own a Dell nor do I run windows.

derek840378

i had to talk to a dope one time, "hello, my name is shawn..." so i asked him where he was from cause i knew he wasnt from here. he said "denver colorado, go broncies"

smokindog

Hmm, spend $2K on a Dell integrated unit that is limited in its ability to be upgraded as new products come out... or have one of my customers Network Administrators build me a unit that can be upgraded almost endlessly for about $800? Wow, that's a tough one!

I'll bet the DOPEs couldn't get XP to run on my 333mhz ThinkPad! I still can't figure out how the guy did it.

phox_mulder

Regardless the item you need the tech support for, they are all run by DOPE.

Had to call the "Customer Retention" line for DirecTV yesterday.
(used to be called Customer Service back in the day)

Yup, it was a DirecTV Offshore Personal Expert.

After a few eons on hold, level 1 DOPE, more hold, level 2 DOPE,
smattering of hold, DOPE Supervisor, I am surprised they retained me as a customer.

Needless to say, I am upgrading my dish myself, not one of the DOPE installers.


phox

RustyJC

That's a whole 'nuther story!! Bought our DirecTV HD receiver from Circuit City. The installer they sent out was driving a Dish Network truck. He messed up the installation so badly that I had to redo it myself.

Sigh.....

Rusty

rammtuff

You sound like my father. Every time he has grief with his Dell he dreads calling tech support and vows to never buy another one.

MikeyB

I'm the tech support for my friends and family, and I tell ya, it's no fun.

MikeyB

tankeryanker

I have a Dell, but I have my own tech support. My wife is a network admin at the V.A.

01350banshee

I'ts not just DELL, but Sony, HP etc.. I had a mother board, power supply and processor go out on my Sony Vaio desktop 3 months after the 1 yr warranty expired. Called Sony, Got Sean from Pakistan. Sean? From Pakistan?? After 2 hours of explaining to SEAN FROM PAKISTAN that turning off/on the power switch, hitting F2 repeatedly and unplugging it for 10 minutes was not going to fix my problem, he decided to send me out a shipping box to have it returned for service. After all was done I came out of pocket $200.00 for a new processor as my local Costco I had purchased it from felt bad about the situation and stepped up to help with the rest of the repair bill.

Patrick Campbell

Wonder who Dell has handling the incoming orders these days.

I was excited about a great deal on a Canon SD450 Digital camera ($224). I placed the order online 2 weeks ago for my mom, to give to my fiance for her bridal shower. I got a 1GB memory card too.

Dell sends me 1 tracking number for both items, and when I get it, it's the memory card and not the camera.

After TWO hours on the phone they finally got to realize they don't have the camera anymore (yet they swear that they shipped it to me) and they can credit me the $224 towards another camera.

Unfortunately I ended up just buying it at a local store for $50 more.

I like to order stuff online to try to avoid the pain in the butt of buying in stores...DO YOU WANT A CAMERA BAG? HOW ABOUT A PRINTER? PAPER? 10 YEAR WARRANTY? FREE MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION? or... "no sorry we don't ACTUALLY carry that item, it's just on our website and it says we have it in stock.")

TomW

Dell has been focusing on support for some time now. They've done some really good improvements in that department.

It helps, too, that the individual support is talking to knows the difference between a CD Drive and cup holder.

SoTexRattler

Congratulations! You may have been "helped" by one of the D-O-P-E's that changes his accent to more closely approximate your ethnicity/regionality.. Yep! It's true!
Mexstan, you may have left out that Dell question about your ZIPCODE!
Upon obtaining your Zip, he immediately will shift from an indeterminate N.American accent to a Massachusets/NY accent, N Carolina or even a(heaven forbid!) East Texas Piney-Woods accent as determined by your Zipcode...... They really do train to accomplish this. Some of them are quite adept at it too! Their goal is to make you believe you have called someone in a strip mall bldg on the other side of your metropolis.

What I love about dealing with Dell? I figured out what was wrong with my PC before I even picked up the phone.. (dead modem)
I still had to go through this same lengthy "rewarding" experience just so they would OK the warranty replacement of such a cheap component..

K

4x4dually

You know the absolute smallest of things that make me absolutely furios???? Huh??? PRESS ONE FOR ENGLISH. I want to shoot them through the phone. I'm calling from America you jack 'donkey'. If I wanted spanglish support, I'd call Mexico. Sad thing is, most tech calls are routed to India or somewhere. I always ask for 'a person that can speak fluent English'. That usually promts a 'supervisor' of which I love to talk to. I tell them that I am in America and I speak English and would appreciate it if they hired folks that can speak English to support products bought in America by Americans.....AHAHAHAHAH! It just makes me sooooo MAD!

Ok, I'm back. I'm so shallow. Now Altell, that's a different story. Their reps are idiots, at least the ones that called me Friday night during supper and Saturday morning at 8:00am. I told them my phone worked half the time so I only paid half my bill. My final bill was $400 to cancel two phones becuase they did absolutley nothing for me. I called and called and.... opps. I lost it again. Altell is TOTAL CRAP. Ok, no more flaming.

Back to the subject, tech support is absolutley horrible.