costco funny
12-06-2009, 09:49 PM
#1
Chapter President
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: misplaced Idahoan stuck in Albuquerque, Roughneckin on RIG 270
Posts: 9,375
Likes: 0
Received 7 Likes
on
5 Posts
costco funny
got this emailed to me a bit ago. brought some laughter
Hey all,
Thought you might like a laugh. Forgive the one three letter expression, sent it like we saw it.
Subject: Costco
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's BUTT (other word was actually used) and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Hey all,
Thought you might like a laugh. Forgive the one three letter expression, sent it like we saw it.
Subject: Costco
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's BUTT (other word was actually used) and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
12-06-2009, 10:05 PM
#2
I watch wind blow...
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Red Dirt territory of TEXAS
Posts: 1,390
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
I love it Chris. . I know people that would do the same thing...
a buddy of mine ( 46 male) was in a walmart in Mineral Wells, TX. when a storm came rolling in. tornado sirens and all. so the walmart folks came over the loud speaker and asked everyone to move to the rear of the store. a mid forties lady asked " why do they want us to move to the back corner of the store" my buddy replied " that way it's easier for them to count the bodies"....
the lady was hysterical at that point... haha I chuckle every time i hear that one.
a buddy of mine ( 46 male) was in a walmart in Mineral Wells, TX. when a storm came rolling in. tornado sirens and all. so the walmart folks came over the loud speaker and asked everyone to move to the rear of the store. a mid forties lady asked " why do they want us to move to the back corner of the store" my buddy replied " that way it's easier for them to count the bodies"....
the lady was hysterical at that point... haha I chuckle every time i hear that one.
12-06-2009, 10:09 PM
#3
Chapter President
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: misplaced Idahoan stuck in Albuquerque, Roughneckin on RIG 270
Posts: 9,375
Likes: 0
Received 7 Likes
on
5 Posts
That is funny Max. Most of the time when someone asks a stupid question, I get to feeling bad and don't answer, either that or I am so mad at that point, I go off the deep end
Trending Topics
12-07-2009, 12:11 AM
#8
I was banned per my own request for speaking the name Pelosi
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Bristol Michigan
Posts: 1,908
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
My favorite-
Caller-I want to report a cat in a tree.
Me- Ma'am, have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree? If' he's still there tomoorrow, be sure to call us back, because we might just have one that's different than all the rest...
Caller-I want to report a cat in a tree.
Me- Ma'am, have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree? If' he's still there tomoorrow, be sure to call us back, because we might just have one that's different than all the rest...
12-07-2009, 01:44 AM
#9
DTR's Volcano Monitor, Toilet Smuggler, Taser tester, Meteorite enumerator, Quill counter, Match hoarder, Panic Dance Choreographer, Bet losing shrew murderer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Kenai Alaska
Posts: 965
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
cbrahs: Loved it---
Redleg: I actually had to respond to a cat in a tree call when I was still working the road. Turned out to be a Porcupine. Ladys cat was in her house watching us through the window.
Redleg: I actually had to respond to a cat in a tree call when I was still working the road. Turned out to be a Porcupine. Ladys cat was in her house watching us through the window.
12-07-2009, 03:50 AM
#10
I was banned per my own request for speaking the name Pelosi
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Bristol Michigan
Posts: 1,908
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Yeah, I also like the ducks crossing the road call telling us we better do something. Sorry, we don't arrest ducks.
12-08-2009, 01:46 PM
#11
Registered User
A plumber I know went to a house call one weekend and the gal asked if the wet ceiling was a result of a broken pipe upstairs, he felt like answering "No, the house is just crying because you're so dumb" but didn't. I think he ended up marrying her!
Kurt
Kurt
12-08-2009, 01:57 PM
#12
Registered User
I went to Home Depot recently, while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to poop some road-kill chili.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement #2'.
Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the dining room.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Sh*%, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot…
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh ... BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-biscuit! did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return...
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store!
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement #2'.
Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the dining room.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Sh*%, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot…
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh ... BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-biscuit! did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return...
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store!
12-08-2009, 02:20 PM
#13
Chapter President
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: misplaced Idahoan stuck in Albuquerque, Roughneckin on RIG 270
Posts: 9,375
Likes: 0
Received 7 Likes
on
5 Posts
Glan go in and edit the double paste on the thread. I can now barely see cause I am laughing so hard. Co-workers are asking me from other cubicles if I am ok. My guy hurts so bad.
I had a similar experience. When i was married my wife bought me "blazing sadles" movie and it came with the recipe for the chili. It was very much like that. Could only eat a couple bowls full and then you were done for a couple weeks. I still to this day giggle when I would let a small vapor of gas escape and would clear out the H53 when we were working on it. Got a lot done that night cause no one wanted to work near me. lol
I had a similar experience. When i was married my wife bought me "blazing sadles" movie and it came with the recipe for the chili. It was very much like that. Could only eat a couple bowls full and then you were done for a couple weeks. I still to this day giggle when I would let a small vapor of gas escape and would clear out the H53 when we were working on it. Got a lot done that night cause no one wanted to work near me. lol
12-08-2009, 03:27 PM
#14
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Denton, Texas
Posts: 100
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
haha, this is the funniest thing I have read in awhile. I relate way to much to your story. I just finished 5 habaneros off with lunch and am starting to feel the rumble! For the sake of civilization I will remain within the walls of my house until it is safe to venture out...what a bitter sweet relationship it is with the habaneros
