Biker vs. Squirrel
05-20-2005, 03:35 PM
#1
Thats MR Hoss to you buddy!
Thread Starter
Biker vs. Squirrel
For those that haven't seen this before, I thought it was worth posting again.
Biker vs. Squirrel
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! .Little did I suspect...
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an on coming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and it must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves.
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for "Bonzai!" or maybe "Die, you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Twisted Evil.
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved, not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can have only one result.
Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in ... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant **** attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the face plate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large, puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort of.
Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade into your police car.
I heard screams.
This time they weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really...Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street aiming a riot gun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
**Disclaimer: I did not write this and it did not happen to me. I copied it from another message board a long time ago because I thought it was pretty stinkin' funny.
Biker vs. Squirrel
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! .Little did I suspect...
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an on coming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and it must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves.
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for "Bonzai!" or maybe "Die, you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Twisted Evil.
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved, not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can have only one result.
Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in ... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant **** attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the face plate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large, puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort of.
Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade into your police car.
I heard screams.
This time they weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really...Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street aiming a riot gun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
**Disclaimer: I did not write this and it did not happen to me. I copied it from another message board a long time ago because I thought it was pretty stinkin' funny.
05-20-2005, 04:09 PM
#3
Registered User
OMG!! That is FUNNY!!! Reminds me of when I went squirrel hunting with my brother. I shot one & my brother, who was 12 at the time, ran over to get the downed rodent. Well, the squirrel wasn't as dead as he appeared to be, so when my innocent, unscarred brother grasped the limp body... There was an instant gray tornado trying to flay the skin off my EXTREMELY suprised siblings hand & wrist area!! God, it was just like in those old Sat. morning cartoons!!! Remember the mouse going haywire on Sylvester the Cat's arm? Well, I got to see it in real life!!!! I've never, and I mean NEVER, seen anything so funny in my life! He tried slinging the gray bundle of fury off, no luck. He tried beating the furry mass of rage on a tree to shake it off, again, no luck. After what must have been an eternity for my brother, the tower of rage that was an American Gray Squirrel finally died. So, there's my not as innocent & definitely scarred brother, bleeding like a stuck pig. He looks at me & states in the most serious voice I've ever heard him use... From here on out, you get your own d__n squirrel!!!!
05-20-2005, 10:40 PM
#6
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LOL I thought that I had a bad experience with a squirrel! I was dipped into a corner once and a squirrel ran out and hit me square in the boot breaking my foot! By the time I got home I couldn't get my boot off. Little terrorists they are!
05-20-2005, 11:34 PM
#7
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My neighbor, who I get along with, came over one day asking for help with a squirrel problem. Seems a furry rodent had decided to come down his chimney and was hopping around in the cold ashes behind the glass closure. He said " I'll hold a garbage bag in front of the door, and you open it, the squirrel will jump in, and we'll have him."
I laughed and asked him if he had a trained squirrel and what made him think this bucktoothed trouble maker would jump in his sack.
He asked me to help him give it a try so I did. the squirrel jumped around in the corner and raised a bunch of dust but would not cooperate with his plan so I closed the door to reconsider.
He asked what I thought, and I said shoot em, but he didn't go for that. So I suggested he put on some heavy leather gloves and reach in there and grab him. He agreed. Funniest thing I ever saw. The ashes were flying as he tried to reach in and corner this critter. He finally got ahold of the squirrel and the squirrel got ahold of him; real good. He sunk his choppers into Dwight right between the thumb and forfinger. They went through that glove like it was paper. He let out a yowl and I hollered "Don't let go now you got him!!" I later thought that this reply worked for both him and the squirrel. He was almost in tears and about as black as a chimney sweep as he backed out of the fireplace and headed for the front door. I got the door open and out he went trying to fling this thing. It was kind of a blur and hard to tell where Rocket J Squirrel ended and Dwight started but finally they separated. He jerked the glove off and was bleeding like a stuck hog. We washed him off and he had quite a gash. Rabies was discussed, but I told him it sure looked like a healthy squirrel to me. Stitches were considered but he is pretty cheap so he decided to bandage it and observe for any foaming of the mouth or unusual thirst for the next couple of days. Turned out ok but man was it fun to watch.
I laughed and asked him if he had a trained squirrel and what made him think this bucktoothed trouble maker would jump in his sack.
He asked me to help him give it a try so I did. the squirrel jumped around in the corner and raised a bunch of dust but would not cooperate with his plan so I closed the door to reconsider.
He asked what I thought, and I said shoot em, but he didn't go for that. So I suggested he put on some heavy leather gloves and reach in there and grab him. He agreed. Funniest thing I ever saw. The ashes were flying as he tried to reach in and corner this critter. He finally got ahold of the squirrel and the squirrel got ahold of him; real good. He sunk his choppers into Dwight right between the thumb and forfinger. They went through that glove like it was paper. He let out a yowl and I hollered "Don't let go now you got him!!" I later thought that this reply worked for both him and the squirrel. He was almost in tears and about as black as a chimney sweep as he backed out of the fireplace and headed for the front door. I got the door open and out he went trying to fling this thing. It was kind of a blur and hard to tell where Rocket J Squirrel ended and Dwight started but finally they separated. He jerked the glove off and was bleeding like a stuck hog. We washed him off and he had quite a gash. Rabies was discussed, but I told him it sure looked like a healthy squirrel to me. Stitches were considered but he is pretty cheap so he decided to bandage it and observe for any foaming of the mouth or unusual thirst for the next couple of days. Turned out ok but man was it fun to watch.
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05-21-2005, 12:12 AM
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I enjoy watching when occasionally they get caught up between the power lines and the ground on the utility pole...... a few seconds a chared squirrel looking thing comes falling to the ground......
06-06-2005, 12:08 PM
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Originally posted by Crash
has anyone seen the video clip of the 2 guys that launched one out of a skeet througher? freakin hilarios!!!
has anyone seen the video clip of the 2 guys that launched one out of a skeet througher? freakin hilarios!!!
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